An Ode to Cheesecake

It’s been some time since I’ve had some truly amazing cheesecake. In fact, it’s been some time since I’ve had some cheesecake period. (Heh, period.)

But let’s face it, cheesecake is win.

National Cheesecake Day At The Cheesecake Factory. We had some Cheesecake.

National Cheesecake Day At The Cheesecake Factory. We had some Cheesecake.

Cheesecake, by rights, should be baked. Set cheesecake can have it’s merits, but often it’s fraught with the danger that it’s too gellatiny (it’s a word now). One should never taste any sharp, acidic, or article flavour from cheesecake.

So baked it is. There should be a perfect balance of the sweetness to the creaminess. The texture should be soft enough to break apart comfortably by the edge of the fork, and crumble delightfully off your fork as it leaves the plate.

Which leads us to the importance of whipped cream in this whole endeavour.

It’s a well know fact that cheescecake is a delivery system for whipped cream.Yes, cheesecake is a vital way to get your calories in. Not a lot of people know this, but cheesecake is paleo and cheesecake ALWAYS fits your macros! This ONLY holds true if the ratio of cheesecake to whipped cream is 1:1

Ideal Ratio of Whipped Cream to Cheesecake

Ideal Ratio of Whipped Cream to Cheesecake

For the longest time whipped cream was thought just to be an additional way to get your calories in with your cheesecake. But people often forget, or worse, haven’t been told, that the cream is vital to offset and compliment the crumbliness of a fine baked cheesecake.

The whipped cream itself needs to be marginally cooler than the cheesecake. The cheesecake itself slightly below room temperature. Any warmer and it starts to lose its taste. Any colder and it starts to lose it’s crumblyness. I don’t think one can overstate the crumbliness factor here.

As for the whippitude (it’s another word) of the cream, it should definitely NOT be runny. Yes, pouring cream will do in a pinch, but it’s disappointing. It’s like having Eleiko plates but putting them on an old York bearing bar. It just doesn’t feel right.

The cream should be at maximum fluffiness. This is important for the volume component of the cream, but also there’s an important scientific relationship between the crumbliness of the cheesecake and the fluffiness of the cream.

A Perfect Example of Ideal Fluffiness of the Whipped Cream.

A Perfect Example of Ideal Fluffiness of the Whipped Cream.

As for the biscuit base: a good base knows it’s roll is to hold the cheesecake up and allow the wonderful cheesecakiness to shine in all it’s glory. The base should have a degree of crunchiness, but the moister the better (Phrasing!) Bases on cheesecake are like stage hands in a production, or coaches in sport. Their role is to allow the cheesecake (actors and athletes) to shine in their own merit and hold them up for the world to admire.

But seriously, fuck custard.

Pure. Concentrated. Evil.

Pure. Concentrated. Evil.

There is such a wonderful thing in this universe as pure, true love. And in order to balance out we need something so vile, wretched and disgusting as custard to balance it out. But custard is rank. The smell, taste, texture, and the way it gets that gross skin on it has no place near something as pure and as delightful as cheesecake. Custard, and custard lovers, can go fuck themselves. Preferably a safe distance from my cheesecake.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *